


Was I made from a broken mold?

by ElanSnow21, fuckitdude



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, Enemies to Lovers, Fluff, M/M, Romantic Fluff, fluff fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:47:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25889833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElanSnow21/pseuds/ElanSnow21, https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuckitdude/pseuds/fuckitdude
Summary: Penny has the idea to have a picnic out to distract Simon. After Watford he has not been fine even if Penny and Baz are there all the time to help him in everything. Well now they are about to have a nice picnic but Simon starts to feel bad, there is a lot of noises in his head.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Kudos: 3





	Was I made from a broken mold?

**SIMON**

I’m lying in the couch with my face in a pillow. It’s fairly uncomfortable, but I don't want Baz sitting next to me with that sorry face. _It’s not your fault, stop to looking at me like that._ I don't know what time it is, from the feeling of my tired eyes I think it's later on in the day, around five pm. I lost all my time these last few months staring into the tv, mostly only eating on the occasions that Penny is here. She knows how I’m feeling, and usually brings me food so I don’t starve to death. I just don't feel anything with the lack of energy.

Now Penny is doing something in the kitchen with Baz, talking about magic, Watford, and a new spell for my wings. I sit up shaking my wings. There’s a bottle of cider on the floor next to me, I pick it up and drain the rest of the bottle. The room is lit only by the light of the tv. I feel my stomach growl but I don't want to meet Baz and Penny in the kitchen, they will be staring at me with an unimaginable about of pity in their eyes. My tired eyes try to focus the tv. 

I heard Baz’ voice move closer, he’s now standing beside me. Penny sits next to me in the couch, they turn to me. I keep watching the tv, _no more sorry faces, please._

"Simon..." Penny says "what do you think about a picnic tomorrow?" I turn to her, she is smiling, with her ring shining under the tv light.

"Ice cream, sandwiches and lemonade...” Baz says sitting in the end of the couch with crossed legs "under the sun." I turn to him with a incredulous face

"Under the sun...?" I say, he smiles slightly. "I... I don't know, what about my wings?"

"I think I found a spell that will make them dissapear for twelve whole hours." Penny says. 

I turn towards them. "I... are you sure?... I mean, I would love it but just if I’m not a burden..."

"Of course we want you there, you need the sun Si." Baz sweetly says "I need you there" He’s always so good to me.

"Okay, It's fine" I say turning to Baz with a little smile, he sets a hand on my shoulder and I take it. I move in the middle of the couch and Baz sits next to me.

We haven’t had these kinds of moments together since a couple months, but his touch right now tells me everything going to be okay. Going out with them and taking in some sun. Honestly, I am really fine here with the tv and food all the day but, they planned this for me and I can't say no. Penny sets her head on my shoulder, she smell like flowers and magic. Even if I don't have my magic, I can feel when people with magic are around me. I can feel Baz’ magic and Penny’s magic, but I can't feel mine. That fucked me over but the thing is I have to deal with, because well, they are important, and I need them to stay with me.

A couple minutes later Penny's glasses fall in her lap which means that she already fall asleep. I turn my face to Baz, his eyes are fixed on the tv. His grey eyes turning black, I take his hand and he turns to me. I catch his eyes and he leans toward me. My eyes are about to flutter closed but he just kisses my forehead and sets his head over mine. 

**BAZ**

Simon hair is in my face, he smells like butter and bacon. Still like something I could eat. We’re watching a cartoon because Simon likes them, and I’m content doing anything that may make him happy. I told Penny that the picnic was not a good idea, but he said yes. I really didn't expect that. He’s holding my hand on his leg. As always he radiates heat, though now his hair is longer now, more unkept than it was at Watford, which I thought was impossible. 

"We should go to sleep." I say taking my head off his. 

"Yeah...” He says turning his blue eyes to me "it's late, do... do you want to stay here?" We used to sleep in the same bed but then he said he needed space. Maybe he’s changed his mind?

"I don't know, I can drive." I say looking at our hands. I don’t want to push him too far out of his comfort zone. 

"It's late, Baz. You can stay here... with me, in the... same bed.” If his eyes weren't darting around my face, I could tell that he meant something else. But that look means _I am just being kind_

"Are you sure?" He give me a little smile and nod. Then he turns to Bunce and move his shoulder, she wakes up and puts on her glasses. I stand up and turn on the lights, and I squint at the sudden light. Simon turn off the tv and everybody goes to sleep.

Snow's room is more clean that I expected, nothing on the floor, clean bed and no garment out of place. I sit in the end of the bed and take off my shoes, Simon is in the bathroom. I lie down in the bed with my head on the pillow. Simon walks in the room and I turn to him, he is wearing a dinosaur pajamas and a hoodie over it. It makes me smile, he’s retained his childlike manor through everything he’s been though, everything we’ve been through. He lies down in the bed next to me, we’re both silent for a minute, and then he turn off the light. 

"Goodnight, Baz." He says turning over, his back facing me.

"Goodnight, love." I close my eyes, and a couple minutes later I fall asleep.

* * *

When I wake up in the morning Simon is gone. I look the hour on my phone 8 am. What is he doing awake at this hour? Probably eating the breakfast. I sit up and clench all my muscles, there is Simon’s hoodie at the end of the bed. I stand up and take Snow's hoodie, it smell like him. I put it on and walk out the room. 

Simon is in the kitchen making a sandwich, Penny is sitting in the table eating one. I walk in and stand next to him, he turns to me with short smile. (He always has these short smiles now, no much laughs or ear to ear grins.)

"Morning, love." I say looking at the sandwich in his hands. "What are we doing?"

"Hi" he says "just a jam sandwich, do you want one?" 

"No, I can make mine." I say as I open up the jam bottle. 

"It's okay, I already ate one.” I take the sandwich and go to sit in the table. Bunce is looking something in her phone. There is a cup in front of her, I take it since it’s empty. I take a bite of my jam sandwich. Simon walks next to me and sits with his sandwich and a milk glass. He looks fine now, even his little smiles looks like he really wants to smile. His messy hair shines under the light, his eyes looks tired but something in them looks different, like... like he is focused something. _What is going on inside your mind Snow?_

I don't know but it make me want to kiss him, everybody makes me want to kiss him before and it will never change. I take a sip of his glass of milk, he looks up and then turn in his thoughts again. 

"When are we going?" Bunce says looking up at me.

"I don't know, for lunch time?" I say turning to Simon "I want to change my clothes"

"Yeah, I have to take a shower." Snow says 

"Sure." Bunce says happily, and she stands up and walk away to her room.

"Oh there’s some of your clothes still here." Snow says turning to me. "I was cleaning and I found a bag with new clothes, I think you forgot them here after you went shopping or something.” He said as he took the last bite of his sandwich

"Relly? What kind of clothes?" I don't remember leaving clothes in this flat.

"I saw jeans and a red shirt, I think.” He guessed as he ruffled his hair. "Wait, I’ll show you" He stands up and leaves to go get them. 

I don't really remember leaving new clothes here. Jeans? I have enough of them, I know Snows likes them. But I don't really remember buying more. I heard footsteps and Simon appears with a white bag with the H and M logo. He hands me the bag and take my sandwich. I open the bag, which has jeans, a red shirt and a black belt inside. 

"See? Take them out.” He says eagerly, but with his mouth full. “Not mine."

"Yeah, I know. I don't remember leaving this here but thank you.” I say looking at the beautiful red shirt.

"You can wear that" A little smile crossed his face "You don't have to go to your flat and then come back, you know."

"Well don't have a problem with that.” I raise an eyebrow. "Do you?" I ask as he’s still eating my sandwich.

"No, it’s just a suggestion" He sits up and gives me the rest of my sandwich

"Okay, I'll wear it." I put the bag down and take my sandwich.

He put his hands over the table and I hold them. He looks at me with those big blue eyes, I want to kiss him. He is so cute, I can bite those cheeks (I am pretty sure his blood is butter and honey). He closes his eyes and leans toward me. I lean in close but he just sets his head on my shoulder. I finish my sandwich and put my arm around his shoulder, tugging him closer. He just stays there with his head on my shoulder, his curls on my face and his hand on mine. 

After a couple minutes me shifting away and sits up.

"I'll take a shower." He says, letting go of my hand. I nod and drink the rest of the glass of milk. I am in love.

He walks away and I stay in the kitchen washing the dishes. I don't really have a problem with go to my flat and change my clothes but I don't want to. I want to stay with those shorts smiles and warm skin. Yesterday I fell asleep like I used to do in Wtford, with Simon close but as I would like, with the sound of his breath, with the smell of bacon, with my feet cold and my chest burning under my shirt.

I finish with the dishes and go to watch something in the couch. There is cartoons, (Snow loves cartoons and crime series) I find something decent, the news and just let it on.

**PENELOPE**

I’m sure Simon would like this, he hasn’t been having a good days since... well I am not really sure when this all started. At the beggining he was fine, shocked but okay. He was still smiling and making tea, sleeping with Baz and then he just decided to lie on the couch and never got up from there. He’s there all the time, watching cartoons and drinking cider. But I know we are going to be fine, he just needs a distraction. After all, we are the heroes of this story. 

I’m in my room trying to find a drees. Alister Crowley, my room is messier than Simon's. I can't find anything here. I find a pink dress, it’s beautiful. I put it on and take a look in my mirror, the fabric is light and comfortable. The dress has cherries printed on the bottom, is just four fingers over my knee. Now shoes... black boots, converse, or white nikes? Baz is good with all this kind of things, he looks great with everything. I put on the white socks and the black boots, that’s fine. I undo my ponytail and brush my hair. There is a red scurchie in my bed (I have like three of those, just because it makes my outfits look a little better). I tie up my hair into a ponytail with the scrunchie.

"Fine." I say looking at the morror.

Baz is in the living room watching the news, I sit next to him and when he notices my dress one of his eyebrows go up.

"You look fine, Bunce." he says with a side smile.

"Thanks, are you going to change your clothes?" I say taking the remote control.

"Yeah, Simon found a bag with some clothes I bought." He stands up. “I'm just waiting for Simon to come out of the bathroom.” 

"Okay, we have to buy some things for the picnic.” I try to find something on the tv. "Ice cream and sodas, you know."

"Fine." He walks away.

I just leave the news on because I don't want to watch cartoons. There is a soda in the table, I drink it. 

**SIMON**

When I enter in the my room Baz is there adjusting his shirt, looking perfect, as always. He notices me and raises that black eyebrown. My body is wet, I have a towel obviously but still naked. 

"Sorry, I was changing my clothes but I am ready." He says.

"Okay.” I wait for him to go but he is standing there with a smile. He looks so cute with that kind of short but obvious smiles. 

"Bunce is ready, I'll go with her.” He finally says. Then he just walks by me and leaves he room.

I change my clothes as fast as I can, I don’t want to keep them waiting. Just a white t-shirt, light blue jeans, white nikes and a red denim jacket.

Penny and Baz are watching the news in the couch. I stand next to Baz and he looks at me.

"Ready?" He asks me.

"Ready" I answer. 

"Let's go.” Penny says, turning off the tv. They look happy now, I try too. 

Baz grabs the keys and Penny for her phone. Wow, she looks amazing in that dress. I start to feel my heart beating in a different way inside my chest, I open the door and walk out of the flat. The sun touch softly my skin, I am feeling different and not in a good way. My heart feels different, I walk to the car and try to focus in something. I can’t keep my breath steady and my lungs start to ache. There are so many things going on in my head, way too many noises all around me. Tears fall out of my eyes and I don't know why, my heart is beating hard in my throat, I can’t stop it. My head is killing me so I close my eyes. I see the moment when the Mage fall in front of me, I see Baz saying that I am the worst chosen one and then he is kissing me in the forest, I see Penny crying in my chest and a lot of questions comes in my head. I don't like to think about those things but now I just can't stop. I really don’t feel good. I sit in the floor with the hands on my face. What is wrong with me? Baz loves me, but he deserves better, I'm so broken and nobody can fix me. I don't even know if I’m gay or even what I am going to do with my life. I’m crying in the floor! I have no idea what’s going on and it really scares me.

"Simon!!" I hear Baz yelling out of nowhere. "CROWLEY! Bunce!" I heard his footsteps runing toward me. "Simon, love. Look at me" Baz take my arms, and I think I'm crying more now.

"What?!!" Penny yells and then, "Shit! Simon, what happened?!" I uncover my face and Baz is in front of me, with that sorry face. 

"No,” I say "no more sorry faces please." Baz shook his head and try to look at me in a different way.

"Sorry, are you...."

"NO!" I interrupt him "NO, more!" It came out harsher than I wanted it to.

"Okay, are you okay? Breath, focus on me, Simon.” He says as he’s trying to catch my eyes. "Look at me, it's okay." 

Penny is already standing behind him.

"At me, Simon.” Baz repeats. I look at him in the eyes "Hey! Stop it!"

"What?!" I shout with the tears falling to my chin.” 

"Don't think, just focus on me and listen my voice." He grabs both my hands. "It’s fine, you can cry, you can surrender but still with me.” He takes out his wand and point it up to the sky.

"Baz... I... I can't stop..." I can't even think of what I want to say. 

"It's okay.” He mutters something and then we are... in the sky? It’s so dark and I can see stars shining all around us. It’s like we’re flying, like...

"Do you remember that time in Watford when we first held hands?" He said, looking at me with a content smile.

"Yes... " I can’t hear anything else anymore, just Baz and me. 

"I don't really know how it works but I just need to think about what you said _**we were stars"**_ His grey eyes focus on mine "I know everything is a mess right now but we are going to solve it and then... well I don't know what is going to happen next but I'll be there.” 

"That scares me... the fact that I don't know what is going to happen next, what if..."

"Nobody knows but I'll be there, I promise.” He wipes the tears off my face with both hands. "Now breath deeply and focus on me.” He paused for a moment. “ We don't have to go... we can just stay in the flat if you want."

"No, I’m okay. I think... I really need this, is just... there is a lot of things in my head and you know, I don't like to think about them but then I just couldn't stop them and... and it was killing me." He holds my face with both hands.

"It's okay, we can talk about it later.”

"I don't know..."

"You need to talk with somebody or your thoughts would kill you, I know." He sounded sad but sure about it.

"Okay.” I say softly.

"Okay.” He repeats, letting his hands fall from my face. 

We stay for a while like that, in the sky with all the stars aroud us. I am not crying anymore and my heart and breathing has gone back to normal. I feel okay.

After a couple minutes the sky disappears and we are in the floor and Penny is behind Baz. She looks at me surprised and I try to stand up.

"Is everything okay?" she asks.

Baz stands up with me. "Not everything right now, but we’ll work on it together.” He says turning to Penny.

"I'll explain everything, I promise." I say looking at her. 

She walks toward me.” Okay" She whispers, and wraps her arms around me. I feel her hands in my back, and then "Your wings Simon.” We laugh, and she spells them away.

Baz is smiling, standing close behind us.

"Let’s go guys.” He says opening the door. I go in the front sit and Penny in the back.

We go to buy some food and then Baz drives us to our place for the picnic.

**BAZ**

I felt his fear, his heart beating faster and his tears falling in my hands. He has a lot of things in his head and it's not his fault, but he need to talk about it. I tried that spell in my flat the day he told me that he needed space and it works but I felt alone. We’re going to be okay, we just need to talk. When he looked at me with those beautiful eyes full of tears, I swear my heart just skipped to beat. He said _no more sorry faces_ and I think that's our fault. But we are going to be fine. I hope.

Now we are arriving at our picnic spot. A big field with just a couple of threes. I park the car and we get out with the things we bought. Bunce chooses a place and we leave the things there, under a the gentle shade of one of the few trees. The sun is not burning my face, it’s just warm and it feels so good on my skin. Simon stands next to me looking at the sky.

"It's so beautiful." He says with a side smile, better than his usual smile lately.

"Are you hungry?" I ask him and he nods.

We sit in the grass and Bunce give us a bottle with Ice cream.

"Coffee for Baz, peanut butter for Simon and Vanilla for me." she says 

We eat the ice cream before it could melt and then Simon makes us peanut butter sandwiches. I preffer jam but it's fine. We talk about our favorite series, movies, music and Simon's clean room. No magic or spells, just us together.

"You were the messy one, Basil!" He says, laughing. "You saw my room, it's clean!!"

"Sure! It's just... you are not in your room all the time like you used to be." I frown at him.

Later Bunce's phone rings and she answers. I lie down on the grass under the sun, Simon lies next to me with his arms under his head. I close my eyes and set my hands on my chest. The sun touch my skin softly, the grass is a littte damp and I'm feeling comfortable. I feel a hand in my arm, I open my eyes and Simon’s in front of me. He's leaning on his elbow, sideways.

"What?" I say smiling. 

"Nothing, I’m just... we don't have to talk about today, you know." He tries to smile but it falters. "It’s not your fault, I'll be okay."

"No, Simon.” I take his hand "We really have to talk, I think that was a panic attack and it's because you have a lot of things in your mind.”

"I'm fine now." He insists. 

"Yes, but we still need to talk." I put my hands on his shoulders "Tell me one of the things that are bothering you."

"Well... I don't like the way you and Penny look at me.” He take a breath. “That look, makes me feel miserable, like you guys pity me."

"Okay, I'll try not to do that..” I say with a smile, he looks at me right in my mouth. He has something with my fangs.

He take my face with one hand and leans over me. I close my eyes. His chest on mine, I take him by the back of his neck and he press his lips on mine. I feel another warm hand on my neck. I've been a couple of months without kissing him like that, I never touch him if he doesn't touch me first. He said he needed space and I gave it to him. But now I want to be this close and feel his warm body on mine. I slide my hands up his back, he take my face with both hands. I feel his lips kissing one side of my mouth, I smile and he kisses where my smile ends. Then he runs to my chin and my neck. Without realizing I start to laugh. He stops and laughs with me. A soft, beautiful and true laugh.

He looks up at me and sets his head on my chest.

"You can stay today too, in the same bed." His voice sounds different. I know what it means.

"I definitely will." I laugh.


End file.
